WATCH: Gwyneth Paltrow's guesthouse is going on Airbnb – we have so many questions

By Natalie B. Compton

Just in time to round out your Tomato Girl Summer, actress and Goop founder Gwyneth Paltrow is putting the guesthouse to her Montecito, California, home on Airbnb this September.

The one-night (technically 19-hour) stay will take place on Saturday, September 9 for up two guests.

The listing goes live on August 15 at 10am, Pacific time, and promises time with Paltrow, Goop freebies, meals and snacks, pool access, a guided transcendental meditation session, plus the guarantee of getting “gooped.”

We have no idea what it means to get gooped, – sounds like a cleanse, or something from Nickelodeon’s ‘Double Dare’ – but we do know the place looks dreamy.

In an Instagram video posted on Aug. 1 (and labelled as a paid partnership), Paltrow wears a flowing navy dress with puffed sleeves to take us on a tour of the soon-to-be-listed abode.

She points out the wood-burning fireplace, a “lovely little bar,” the lofted bedroom with high ceilings and a massive marble bathtub.

Paltrow unpacks a tote of some beauty products, promising the chosen guests will leave with better skin than when they arrive.

According to the post’s caption, the $0 per night stay for up to one person and a guest is supposed to “to make the world a little less lonely” in response to the “increased isolation and our lack of community” that has “made our lives even more fragmented” over the last few years.

Will a spon-con bonanza in one of America’s most exclusive neighbourhoods achieve that goal? Who knows?

After reviewing the listing, we have 10 more questions:

Why is this happening?

Is Paltrow doing this out of the goodness of her heart? No. Business-savvy CEO Gwyneth Paltrow would never promote such an endeavour (with a publicly traded company, no less) that didn’t bring her loads of cash or one (1) cigarette.

It’s easy to get swept up in Paltrow’s breezy demeanour and Architectural Digest cover-worthy digs.

The video is shot so casually on what seems to be a phone camera, it’s like you’re hanging out with a friend.

But you’re not hanging out with a friend, you’re being advertised to by Academy Award-winning, A-list celebrity Gwyneth Paltrow.

It’s a good old-fashioned marketing stunt in a long line of marketing stunts. These splashy stays are Airbnb’s bread and butter – good press for both the peer-to-peer homestay and experiences platform company and the featured partner.

Past iterations included promotions at ‘Barbie’s Malibu DreamHouse,’ Carrie Bradshaw’s apartment and musician DJ Khaled’s sneaker closet.

Throughout the listing, Goop’s sub-brands Goop Beauty and Goop Kitchen are name-dropped.

The listing photos have Goop product placement throughout. Even the dress Paltrow’s wearing in the promo post is a $595 G. Label by Goop number.

Will me and Paltrow be besties?

Not likely. The actual listing doesn’t say much by way of one-on-one time beyond “I’ll be there to greet you upon your arrival and ensure you have all the necessities for a comfortable and rejuvenating stay.” But her Instagram post promises much more.

“Another amazing thing we can do when you come and stay,” she says in her video, clasping her hands with excitement, “is we could have a little chef’s dinner together in our wine room. And you can select whatever bottle of wine you like and we can have a fantastic cosy dinner with your guests and my husband.” (That husband being writer-producer Brad Falchuk.)

And in the caption, dinner is mentioned again. “While we may begin as strangers, I hope we’ll find connections and commonalities over a delicious meal,” the post reads.

We asked an Airbnb spokesperson to clarify whether Paltrow was staying after that initial greeting on arrival, but the company wouldn’t give us more intel.

What are Paltrow’s house rules?

No psychic vampires? Limit body brushing to the patio? Please allow the bees to sting you?

Actually the house and booking rules are pretty tame, except for details like “Airbnb may conduct a review of public records” on guests, and that there will be “24-hour security on-site,” plus security cameras rolling throughout the stay.

Can I go to Paltrow’s house?

The listing does make it clear that guests will not be allowed inside the main portion of Paltrow’s “forever house,” just the guesthouse plus the patio and pool.

What is her definition of a ‘light cleaning’ list?

Before you check out, will you have to consciously uncouple the bags from all trash cans? It’s unclear.

But if you ever want to be invited back, we’d suggest leaving the place as immaculate as you found it.

Will Paltrow offer you pyjamas as cosy as her court wardrobe?

Paltrow is a style icon. She has demonstrated this on the red carpet and with her sometimes-awkward ski accident trial.

But from what we can tell from the listing, there is no mention of jammies. Just food, drinks and goop goodies.

What’s for dinner at her guesthouse?

There’s a bowl full of lemons atop the kitchen table – perhaps lemons for Paltrow’s signature lemon water detox beverage.

But guests aren’t expected to detox during their stay. There are a few mentions of food in the listing, like “fuel your body with a nourishing goop Kitchen-inspired meal.” So expect lots of vegetables, mentions of protein and the word “clean.”

Will there be candles?

The guesthouse is a textbook example of minimalism. There’s not much by way of decoration; the bones of the place are beautiful enough.

But we know Paltrow loves a scent, and we did spot a candle on the coffee table. We can’t say for sure whether it’s her headline-making “This smells like my vagina” candle, but we’re not ruling it out either.

What kind of meditation session now?

With the Santa Ynez Mountains towering in the background, Paltrow’s property has all the trappings of a luxe wellness retreat.

“This is nestled right in nature so you can come and have a Zen moment with lots of light and fresh air,” she says in her Instagram video.

She mentions the chance to “empower your mind with a guided transcendental meditation session.” It’s an interesting pick, as learning transcendental meditation requires a multi-day training from a certified teacher. Is Paltrow secretly an instructor? Will her teacher be there?

Have we been mispronouncing chaise longue this whole time?

In her Instagram video, Paltrow motions to her stunning pool and remarks, “this is a really nice place to come and relax on one of the chaise longue in the sun and have a nice swim.”

That last part, the part about the chaise longue, she pronounces it “shez long.”

While Google says chaise longue is pronounced “shayz lownj,” Paltrow is using the original French way to say the word – another sign she’s doing life better than most of us.